I think it’s a “he”. I’m not that sure, but for the purpose of this piece, this fly shall be male. And, he is doomed. He is on the threshold of eternity. His days of skating across my bald head, nibbling at my exposed toes as they point toward my fire, prancing up my arm or even resting on my glasses as I type this, are numbered. It’s a low number. You might even say that his hours are numbered.

There are 16,000 types of flies in North America. Kind of makes you think of going out and getting an industrial strength insecticide bomb doesn’t it? But wait, there are only five common types that you are likely to encounter and of that five only three that usually become a nuisance, and only one that makes you want to bring out the double barreled shotgun. There is the house fly, the blow fly, the fruit fly, the phorid fly and the drain fly. We’re talking house fly here.

With a conscientious program of hygiene and proper disposal of the old banana or apple, one can, for all practical purposes, eliminate the fruit and blow types.

Over the years I have employed all the house fly elimination techniques known to western civilization. They range from spraying Flit™, a petroleum based product which would kill anything in appropriate doses, including humans, to hanging that ugly and septic fly strip from the ceiling. Somewhere in there is the fly swatter. 87% of respondents cited the flyswatter as their preferred weapon in the house fly wars. If you count the rolled up news paper with a rubber band around the handle end that number would reach up toward 100% I am sure.

There are two real fly swatters in this house, neither of which can be found. So I am employing the rolled up paper model. It’s not as quick as the real thing but when a little stealth is used, it can be just as effective. Alas, he has escaped my attempts on his life all morning.

Short of the shotgun, I have a “house and garden” spray can somewhere that will do the job when I get good and tired of this particular pest. I am at that point now. I know all about the environmental implications but I don’t care. Only once or twice a year do I bring out the chemical weapons of mass destruction. Can you blame me? Probably some of you will. Well, please understand me when I say, “I don’t give a shit”. One shot and this S.O.B. will be “legs up” within a few minutes if not seconds.


1 Comment

  1. A little early in the year for "cabin fever" eh?

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