I was reading a Post item yesterday morning about the introduction of driverless cars being tested by Audi, Toyota, Google, of all people, and others.  We already have pilotless drones that can pop the buttons off an Al Qaeda Chieftain’s Levis.  Why not a car that can stay between the lines and not run into the car in front?  I mean, why not?

These are already being tested under state license in Nevada.  Let me see – that’s desert, right?  So the car wipes out a few cactus plants and mows down a stack of poker chips.  Who cares?  Well, I guess if they are your chips….

Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the CyberBahn.  Sit back and relax.  Your destination has been keyed into the Mother Computer in the Cloud and if you will simply flip the red switch on your dash from Manuel to Auto, we will be off in quiet safety.  Sensors will keep you safely spaced from other vehicles.  Have a drink.  Text until your fingers fall off, take a nap…..

Wait a minute!  This is already going on, and there’s no switch to flip.  I had to take to the shoulder recently when this guy pulled into my lane while talking on his phone completely oblivious to my presence.  He probably had an adult beverage between his legs as well.  If I didn’t have my proximity sensors on to warn me, we would have had a 911 situation.  Yes, I said proximity sensors.  Eyes!  Low tech but effective.

When I think about all the crap people are doing in their cars at 80 MPH – besides driving – it makes me yearn for the driverless age. 

But, I see complications.  How does one, for example flip off an electronic device that cuts you off at the exit?  I mean, if you can’t insult the other driver, what use is it to drive?

Here’s a scenario for you.  I am driving along I – 295 and the traffic is moving along at a sedate 80 mph when I notice a state cop parked in the shadow of a bridge half a mile ahead.  Driving defensively, as I always do, I  tapped my break  to loose those ugly 15 miles per hour and the driverless Audi behind me swings out to pass me completely unconcerned about the cop car ahead.

I stare in amazement as the Robot car speeds up, thinking the way is clear and all those cars in the right lane are driving like student drivers always seem to do. She (it) passes the Statie in a blur doing at least 90 and the cop, of course, takes off in pursuit.

But wait a minute – the cop car is also a driverless drone and through some cyber DNA wireless info loop he begins to communicate with the runaway he is chasing.  He (it) says, “Hey you are really going fast, but I have to say you are nailing the centerline perfectly.  What’s your software?”

He gets a reply, of course, this being a digital fantasy.  “Who wants to know?” comes the terse, but articulate answer.

The reply comes instantly, “I am” – are you ready for this? – “Commander Cody of the Highway Patrol, and you are in danger of being archived and stored in the cloud.  Pull over immediately!”

Suddenly, as the Highway Patrol car nears the Falmouth Exit the Dunkin Donut chip that was part of the last upgrade kicks in and the drone takes the exit and gets to the Dunkin drive though with only one car ahead of him. Guess what car it is.

Stranger things have happened out on the Interstate, and one can only imagine what they might be.  As it turns out, the highway speedsterette and Commander Cody were operating with identical software and were, as it turns out, completely compatible.  No citation was issued and some very stimulating apps were wirelessly exchanged in the parking lot.

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