I would be the first person to say, the internet is great! I have not had so much fun – ever! I also would be one of the multitude who would say that trying to talk to or communicate to someone out there about problem is like trying to put a sock on a snake.

First there are the endless menus that are supposed to magically “pinpoint” your issue and give you this overwhelming sense of security. Only, they don’t. There may be a category out there that in some remote sense possibly, on a cloudless day in May remind you of your issue which, by now, you don’t seem to be able to remember, and you start all over again.

All the while this is going on you are keeping a wary eye out for the odd email address, phone number or a place – God forbid – that you can just write your concern ( a text box comes to mind ) complaint or compliment that would be sent to a sincerely concerned expert automatically in the background without you having to lift the right rock to discover the person’s address or phone number.

OK, let’s say you do find a phone number and you dial it up. Don’t forget your picnic lunch and perhaps a tall cocktail. Put your feet up and lean back in your favorite easy chair and then, only then, begin climbing the phone tree.

We are so happy you called us. Your call is important to us. We didn’t think you’d ever find our number, but since you did, we would like to say that we may record your call for quality purposes . . . Bullshit! It’s HomeLandSecurity.

Press “1” if you want to buy something. 8401 operators are standing by to take your money.

Press “2” if you want to remind us of the good job we are doing. We don’t understand why nobody ever presses “2”.

Press “3” if you are a physician and want to speak to another physician for some reason.

Press “4”, “5”, “6” and so on for the next 15 minutes and then finally . . . .

Press “94” if you need some help. We have 3 Pakistanis standing by for whom English is their 3rd language, after Urdu and Swahili, which they are anxious to practice on you.

Get the picture? Sometimes I don’t call for help just for the fun of NOT doing it. My advise is to figure it out on your own, or insist on speaking to the president of the company, not always much help, or someone in their Atlanta office. I still speak and understand Southern. That always works for me.

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